Our Story

Thank you to everyone for your thoughts, prayers, and kind words. I decided to share our story via this blog for many reasons...to preserve the memories no matter how painful, as a catharsis for me, and to help others who have been or will be in a similar situation.

Today I should be 13 weeks pregnant, and I'm not. I couldn't wait to reach 12 weeks. I'd been so very sick, and I was convinced that once I hit the 12 week mark that the constant nausea would start to fade. I never doubted that my pregnancy was healthy because everyone always says that nausea is a sign of a healthy pregnancy, so I certainly felt like we were covered!
We had our 1st ultrasound on October 10 which was 1 day before I was 11 weeks pregnant. Elliott, O, my mom, and I were all very excited to finally see the 1st pictures of our new baby. There were even several people who were convinced that we would see twins. Within the 1st 15 seconds of the ultrasound, we knew something was wrong. The ultrasound tech, Lisa, was very quiet and looked concerned. She asked if I was sure of my due date, and I was VERY sure. She looked and looked, but did not see a baby. She did an internal ultrasound, and still she did not see a baby. During all of this, I was praying that we would suddenly see a baby who was just hiding somehow, and I really expected that to happen any second. She did another external ultrasound, and finally saw a very small baby that she measured to be at 6 weeks, 4 days. She did not see a heartbeat. Elliott and I knew this could not be since I'd taken a positive pregnancy test 7 weeks before. In my heart, I knew my baby was gone, but I kept coming up with crazy scenarios in my head as to why our baby would be measuring so small. A dr came and told us that either we had an unsuccessful pregnancy or our dates were off. They drew blood and told me to come back Monday, so they could draw more blood. They needed to compare the Hcg levels to see if they were dropping.

The rest of the day is really just a blur. We were on our way to stay with our brother-in-law for the weekend because O and my niece were flower girls in my cousin's wedding. Luckily, my mom and my sister were able to take the girls to the rehearsal, dinner, and to the church for pictures the next day, so that Elliott and I were able to just show up for the wedding and reception. It was really hard to go to the wedding, but it wasn't something we could miss. O and M were so proud to be flower girls, and they did a beautiful job. The bride was beautiful, I've never seen a groom glow the way my cousin was glowing :) O had the greatest time dancing the night away at the reception. She definitely didn't inherit her mama's shyness!

So...on Monday I went back to the dr for another blood test. O was proud to go with me and hold my hand so that I wouldn't be scared. She was very solemn and serious and held my hand very tightly while the nurse drew blood. I requested a prescription for fenergen for my constant nausea. I could handle it as long as I knew I was going to have a baby to hold in May, but once the promise of a baby was gone, the constant sickness was more than I could take. The fenergen took the edge off the nausea, but mostly it just made me tired, so I slept around the clock. This was probably a good thing. From Saturday night when we got home from the wedding until yesterday, I don't think I left my bedroom for anything other than a doctor's appointment or ultrasound.

We went back to the doctor on Wednesday to discuss the results of the blood tests. My levels had dropped, but they were still very high (I already knew this because I was slightly less nauseous, but still nauseous enough that I knew my levels were still high). The dr did another ultrasound, and the result was the same. This was devastating all over again because I'd held on to the hope that since I was still sick that maybe the ultrasound would somehow show a healthy baby. We still weren't ready to give up hope...

I went back to the dr for another blood test on Friday and then for another ultrasound on Monday. At this ultrasound, they couldn't even find the baby measuring 6 weeks, 4 days. There was just nothing. I wasn't surprised, but I was devastated. We knew it was over, and I needed it to be over. The waiting and hoping and the continuing pregnancy symptoms while knowing that there really was no hope were killing me. I wasn't able to be a good mama for O, and I was so glad that my mom stepped in and became "mama" for these 12 days. Elliott and I both decided that the best thing for both of us was for me to go ahead and have a d & c. I was so scared and sad, but I felt like we had to make this decision in order to begin to heal.

On Tuesday morning at about 6:20 Elliott, my sister, and I left for the hospital. My mom stayed at my house with O and my niece. The nurses, doctor, and hospital staff were all incredibly kind. I was completely knocked out for the procedure, and I am so thankful for that. I remember crying as they wheeled me back to the OR, and I was crying when I woke up. I was surprised and relieved that it was over. After resting at the hospital for a while, we went home. I was so relieved to be nausea free that I actually felt good for a little while. O makes me so happy that it is easy to forget this constant ache and emptiness in my heart for moments at a time. I don't want to be sad forever, but it is hard to imagine that this sadness won't be with me forever. I had no idea how hard this would and that I would actually feel a physical ache and emptiness in my heart. The word miscarriage is a word that I've come to hate. It seems to minimize this experience. This doesn't feel like a "miscarriage" to me. This is the death of our deeply loved and wanted baby who will be forever missed.

Thank you to all of our family and friends (IRL and online) who have supported us through this experience. A special thank you to my mom for stepping in and taking over and to my sister for coming to our house multiple times to distract us and entertain O and for going with us to the hospital to be with Elliott. He thought he'd be ok alone, but he is very grateful that you were there for him to talk to :) (and I know he talked your ear off!) Thank you to my MIL for getting a bag full of books for me from the library. That helped more than you can ever know. Thank you to my IRL friends and family for understanding that while I can't talk about this experience at all, it really helps to write about it and to have people who listen, care, and understand. Also, thank you to the mamas in the online mommy groups in which I am a member for sharing your stories and making me feel less alone.

Sometimes Life Gets in the Way...

I'll be gone for a while, but will probably be back sooner rather than later. Please pray for our family.

O's Montessori Shelf- The Back :)

O's Art Display and Activity Bags, originally uploaded by omamom16.

Here is the back of O's Montessori shelf. This is the side that faces the room for the majority of the time. As you can see, there are 6 clips for displaying artwork. These clips were surprisingly difficult to find, and I was relieved when my mom finally found them for me. Thanks, Mom! O was very excited when she realized that the clips were for hanging her artwork, and she immediately had to make as much art as possible! This was exciting for me since she's not always interested in arts and crafts activities. She REALLY loves coloring with markers, and I think that yesterday was the 1st time that she colored with markers that she didn't also color herself from head to toe (thank goodness, since she is a flower girl in a wedding on Saturday!). On the bottom of the shelf are hooks for hanging activity bags. I have about 6 or 7 bags out, but she usually only chooses the open/close bag and maybe one or two others. I really need to put a few new bags out :)

O's Montessori Shelf

O's Montessori Shelf, originally uploaded by omamom16.

Here is O's Montessori shelf! It was surprisingly easy to build, and Elliott and I are very proud of it :) It's on casters so that we can turn it around when it's not in use. The back is pegboard, and I'll show the other side in another post (I can only post one photo per post when blogging through flickr). On the top shelf we have a number puzzle, shape sorting blocks, and phonics pouches. On the 2nd shelf we have the mystery bag, sound cylinders, toothpick sorting (this is O's current favorite!), and my mini version of the red rods. On the 3rd shelf we have jars & lids, mini animal match, latches board, and water transfer with a sponge. On the bottom shelf we have dry pouring with lentils, 2d/3d farm animal match, cats match, and stringing beads. We have LOTS of activities that are not on the shelves, and I'm not sure how often I should add and take away activities. She's very uninterested in the red rods and dry pouring, so I think I may switch these out fairly soon. Any suggestions from other Montessori mamas or teachers are welcome :)

Matching Farm Animals

Matching Farm Animals, originally uploaded by omamom16.

O chose to do her Matching Farm Animals work today during school. I've been surprised by how few times she has chosen this work, since it's something that she really enjoys. I downloaded the farm animals pics off the internet (I have no idea where I got them from!) months and months ago. I eventually printed, cut, and laminated them. For this work, I have 5 animal cards and 5 miniature plastic animals (I bought them from the dollar section of Target. I love Target!) in a basket. O brings the basket to her rug, lays out the cards while labeling them, and then matches the animals to the cards. When I introduced the work to her, I showed her how to put the animals to the right of the card, but she usually prefers to put the animals on top of the cards. I think I'll add in a few more pics and animals before tomorrow since this work seems to be very easy for her :)

Yummy! Felt Food :)

felt food, originally uploaded by omamom16.

My mom and I recently finished making a bunch of felt food for my niece and godson (and his brother). I cut the felt out months ago, but I'm scared to use the sewing machine without my mom (it breaks every time we use it), so I was waiting for her to come sew them. My mom did all of the machine sewing, and I did the cutting and hand sewing (sewing the chocolate chips onto the cookies). My mom loved sewing the eggs and said she could sew a hundred eggs :) We are thinking of opening an etsy shop, which is something we've been talking about for a year or so. I'm hoping that this nausea will pass soon, so that I can be more productive :)

Pregnancy Brain

My 1st sign that I was pregnant with #2 happened about 2 months ago when I was at work talking to another psychologist. I was trying to ask her about 2 students that I'd known very well for years and years and I suddenly had NO IDEA what their names were. It was almost scary how blank my mind was, and I realized that it was not normal, and I must be pregnant. Sure enough :) My most recent experience with pregnancy brain was a little more amusing...

We've been at O's Guh-guh and Grandpa's house for the past few days, and yesterday I asked my mom if I could use her deodorant because I'd forgotten mine. She said sure, and I put it on. It was almost O's naptime, so I laid down with her to read books on the futon, and my mom sat nearby in a rocking chair. I noticed that my underarms started feeling VERY cool and tingly. I thought it was strange, but maybe my body was reacting differently to the deodorant since I'm pregnant and I've gotten used to using natural deodorant. However, after 5 more minutes of progessively cooler and tinglyer (is that even a word?) underarms, I said to my mom "this deodorant is very strange. It almost feels like I put Vicks Vapor Rub on under my arms." My mom looked up with a shocked and panicked expression, and said "maybe you did!" We ran back to her bedroom and quickly discovered that I had, in fact, put roll-on Menthol on under my arms. (in my defense, it looks A LOT like my mom's roll on deodorant!). I scrubbed it off, but I still felt cool and tingly for at least 2 hours :) We went back to the front room, and O was sitting up on the futon looking tired and confused while asking "what is it? what is it?" So... that's my craziest pregnancy brain story so far (I'm sure there will be LOTS more), care to share one of yours?

Decopaged Animals

Decopaged Animals, originally uploaded by omamom16.

Woo hoo! It worked! I've tried resizing before, and it didn't help with the off center issue. I must not have made the pictures small enough in the past. Thanks, everybody, for your advice!!! Gotta love the blogging community! You guys are great :)

I Love Mod Podge!

IMG_9170 (Large), originally uploaded by omamom16.

I found these unfinished wooden animals at Michael's months ago and thought they'd make great baby gifts. Since then I've been trying to decide how to paint them. I finally decided to decopage them using scrapbook paper, and I'm so happy with how they turned out :) These 2 cuties will be headed to 2 sweet California girls soon!

Again...I am very frustrated by the off center picture. If you'd like to see the whole picture just click on it. Sorry!

Freezer Paper Stenciled Onesies

IMG_9164 (Large), originally uploaded by omamom16.

I've been wanting to try freezer paper stenciling for months, but it was nearly impossible to find freezer paper! I finally found it (after about 2 months of looking), and I was pleased with how easy this project was. I stenciled these onesies for one of my best friends who is having her 1st baby girl in a couple of months. For a great tutorial on freezer paper stenciling go to My Montessori Journey.

These off center pictures are driving me crazy! I've tried resizing my pictures, but it doesn't help, so I apologize for the pictures :(

Learning to Sew

IMG_9150 (Large), originally uploaded by omamom16.

My mom stayed with us for a few days last week, and we were able to get some sewing and crafting done on Friday and Saturday. O was very excited when she saw Guh-guh set up the sewing machine, and she was eager to help. She also ran to get her sewing block so that she could sew along with us.

Comparing and Contrasting her Duckies

A couple of times a week, O takes a shower with me. I shower while she sits on the floor of the tub and plays with her toys. Then I wash her. Quick and easy. A couple of nights ago, she was talking nonstop while she was playing, and I wasn't really listening. Suddenly, I started to listen and was amazed by what she was saying... She was holding two duckies, and this is what she was saying:
"This ducky have tail. This ducky have a tail."
"This ducky have on a hat. This ducky have on a hat. Both have hat. This ducky hat backerds (backwards). This ducky hat NOT backerds."
"This ducky have sunglasses. This ducky have sunglasses. This ducky sunglasses boo (blue)..."
My 1st thought was "where did she learn this?" Then I realized that she was comparing and contrasting her duckies in the exact same way that we compare and contrast the pictures on the same/different pages in her Highlights High 5 magazine. I thought that this concept was above her level of comprehension because she always says "mama do it" and won't say a word while I talk about the pictures. Evidently, she really WAS listening!
I'm so thankful for my blogs so that I have a place to record moments like this :) I've really got to start working on turning my blogs into books!!!

You May Have Noticed...

that things on this blog have slowed down a bit lately. However, I do have a really good reason, I promise! O is going to be a big sister!!! She is SUPER excited, and she has already decided that I am having 2 babies, and their names are Mimi and Buddy. She is planning on nursing the babies (although I REALLY think it's just 1!). She loves to hug, kiss, and pat my belly. She has a great stethoscope, and she loves to listen to my tummy. She tells me that she hears the baby laughing and crying, and she says that HER belly says "All aboard the choo-choo train." Silly girl :) I've been extremely exhausted for about the past 5 weeks and very sick for the past 3. Hence, the slow down! O has done a great job taking care of me. She loves to do little things to "make mama feel bettah."

Helping Daddy

IMG_9159 (Large), originally uploaded by omamom16.

O had the greatest time helping her daddy put together a fishing rod stand yesterday. She insisted on only using the "niney" screwdriver :)

Sorting Toothpicks

IMG_9169 (Large), originally uploaded by omamom16.

The idea for this activity has been on my mind for a while, so I was glad to finally pull it together this weekend. To complete the activity, O turns the dial on the side of the toothpick dispenser. Either a red or blue toothpick comes out, and she puts it in the appropriate toothpick holder. She LOVED this activity, and she did it at least 3 times in a row. I planned on also having yellow toothpicks, but I used tempera paint to paint the top of the yellow toothpick holder, and it immediately peeled right off. Another annoying thing is that the toothpicks are not uniform in size. Some go in easily, you have to put forth a little effort to get some of them in the holes, and others won't fit at all. I guess I should have tried each toothpick before introducing the work to O :( This will replace the plastic ice cube color sorting work on O's Montessori shelf. That work was too easy for her, and she was totally uninterested in it.