Thank you to everyone for your thoughts, prayers, and kind words. I decided to share our story via this blog for many reasons...to preserve the memories no matter how painful, as a catharsis for me, and to help others who have been or will be in a similar situation.
Today I should be 13 weeks pregnant, and I'm not. I couldn't wait to reach 12 weeks. I'd been so very sick, and I was convinced that once I hit the 12 week mark that the constant nausea would start to fade. I never doubted that my pregnancy was healthy because everyone always says that nausea is a sign of a healthy pregnancy, so I certainly felt like we were covered!
We had our 1st ultrasound on October 10 which was 1 day before I was 11 weeks pregnant. Elliott, O, my mom, and I were all very excited to finally see the 1st pictures of our new baby. There were even several people who were convinced that we would see twins. Within the 1st 15 seconds of the ultrasound, we knew something was wrong. The ultrasound tech, Lisa, was very quiet and looked concerned. She asked if I was sure of my due date, and I was VERY sure. She looked and looked, but did not see a baby. She did an internal ultrasound, and still she did not see a baby. During all of this, I was praying that we would suddenly see a baby who was just hiding somehow, and I really expected that to happen any second. She did another external ultrasound, and finally saw a very small baby that she measured to be at 6 weeks, 4 days. She did not see a heartbeat. Elliott and I knew this could not be since I'd taken a positive pregnancy test 7 weeks before. In my heart, I knew my baby was gone, but I kept coming up with crazy scenarios in my head as to why our baby would be measuring so small. A dr came and told us that either we had an unsuccessful pregnancy or our dates were off. They drew blood and told me to come back Monday, so they could draw more blood. They needed to compare the Hcg levels to see if they were dropping.
The rest of the day is really just a blur. We were on our way to stay with our brother-in-law for the weekend because O and my niece were flower girls in my cousin's wedding. Luckily, my mom and my sister were able to take the girls to the rehearsal, dinner, and to the church for pictures the next day, so that Elliott and I were able to just show up for the wedding and reception. It was really hard to go to the wedding, but it wasn't something we could miss. O and M were so proud to be flower girls, and they did a beautiful job. The bride was beautiful, I've never seen a groom glow the way my cousin was glowing :) O had the greatest time dancing the night away at the reception. She definitely didn't inherit her mama's shyness!
So...on Monday I went back to the dr for another blood test. O was proud to go with me and hold my hand so that I wouldn't be scared. She was very solemn and serious and held my hand very tightly while the nurse drew blood. I requested a prescription for fenergen for my constant nausea. I could handle it as long as I knew I was going to have a baby to hold in May, but once the promise of a baby was gone, the constant sickness was more than I could take. The fenergen took the edge off the nausea, but mostly it just made me tired, so I slept around the clock. This was probably a good thing. From Saturday night when we got home from the wedding until yesterday, I don't think I left my bedroom for anything other than a doctor's appointment or ultrasound.
We went back to the doctor on Wednesday to discuss the results of the blood tests. My levels had dropped, but they were still very high (I already knew this because I was slightly less nauseous, but still nauseous enough that I knew my levels were still high). The dr did another ultrasound, and the result was the same. This was devastating all over again because I'd held on to the hope that since I was still sick that maybe the ultrasound would somehow show a healthy baby. We still weren't ready to give up hope...
I went back to the dr for another blood test on Friday and then for another ultrasound on Monday. At this ultrasound, they couldn't even find the baby measuring 6 weeks, 4 days. There was just nothing. I wasn't surprised, but I was devastated. We knew it was over, and I needed it to be over. The waiting and hoping and the continuing pregnancy symptoms while knowing that there really was no hope were killing me. I wasn't able to be a good mama for O, and I was so glad that my mom stepped in and became "mama" for these 12 days. Elliott and I both decided that the best thing for both of us was for me to go ahead and have a d & c. I was so scared and sad, but I felt like we had to make this decision in order to begin to heal.
On Tuesday morning at about 6:20 Elliott, my sister, and I left for the hospital. My mom stayed at my house with O and my niece. The nurses, doctor, and hospital staff were all incredibly kind. I was completely knocked out for the procedure, and I am so thankful for that. I remember crying as they wheeled me back to the OR, and I was crying when I woke up. I was surprised and relieved that it was over. After resting at the hospital for a while, we went home. I was so relieved to be nausea free that I actually felt good for a little while. O makes me so happy that it is easy to forget this constant ache and emptiness in my heart for moments at a time. I don't want to be sad forever, but it is hard to imagine that this sadness won't be with me forever. I had no idea how hard this would and that I would actually feel a physical ache and emptiness in my heart. The word miscarriage is a word that I've come to hate. It seems to minimize this experience. This doesn't feel like a "miscarriage" to me. This is the death of our deeply loved and wanted baby who will be forever missed.
Thank you to all of our family and friends (IRL and online) who have supported us through this experience. A special thank you to my mom for stepping in and taking over and to my sister for coming to our house multiple times to distract us and entertain O and for going with us to the hospital to be with Elliott. He thought he'd be ok alone, but he is very grateful that you were there for him to talk to :) (and I know he talked your ear off!) Thank you to my MIL for getting a bag full of books for me from the library. That helped more than you can ever know. Thank you to my IRL friends and family for understanding that while I can't talk about this experience at all, it really helps to write about it and to have people who listen, care, and understand. Also, thank you to the mamas in the online mommy groups in which I am a member for sharing your stories and making me feel less alone.
