Hoping and Praying...

that today is baby day! Little Kicker is due today, and it's Elliott's birthday, so we're hoping today is the day. We had a false alarm last night and spent many hours at the hospital. It was reassuring to hear Little Kicker's heartbeat, and it was nice to have a dry run, so O knows what to expect. O was perfect and cuddled with me on the bed and watched Noggin until we finally left at midnight. So, I'm off to walk, maybe go out for a bumpy boat ride, and bounce on the birthing ball :)

UPDATE...Thanks for all the baby dust and labor vibes. Unfortunately, today wasn't today. Maybe tomorrow :)

One Year Ago Today...

we found out we were expecting our 2nd child. We were excited, but also feeling a little disbelief. Everything was going according to our plan, and we were so happy. Elliott even said that things were working out so perfectly that it scared him. He was afraid something bad would happen. Sadly, he was right. We will forever miss our lost baby. Even as we excitedly prepare for Little Kicker's arrival, the baby we lost will always be in our hearts and minds.

Back to Work

I'm going back to work today. At first I was a little excited about seeing my work friends again before the baby comes, but right now I'm just really tired and wondering how I'm going to make it through the next 13 hours until we are home again. Maybe the extra activity will motivate Little Kicker to come on out and meet us!

They're OFF!!! Hooray!

I went to the dr today with the hope that they could cut off my rings. They didn't have any tools to cut them off, but they were determined to get them off :) The dr. used a circlage (sp) thread and slipped it under one ring at a time and then wrapped it around my finger. Then he unwrapped from the other end and worked it up (see Meredith's link in the comments section for clearer instructions). I had NO idea that a finger could hurt so badly. I was sweating and seeing stars, but I'm SO glad my rings are off, and I'm not sure if I'll ever put them back on :) Labor should be a piece of cake after this experience!

My Rings are STUCK...

advice needed! I'm feeling quite anxious and panicky because there is NO way my engagement ring and wedding band are coming off my finger. I've tried soaking my fingers in ice water, holding my hands above my head, and rubbing my finger down with olive oil, and they are not budging :( I did manage to get my other ring off that way, but my wedding rings are giving me a bit more trouble. It's a little ironic that today is our 8th anniversary, and I'm panicking trying to get my wedding rings off :) I think I may have to get them cut off, but if anyone has any great ideas to avoid that, I'd love to hear them! Thanks!

Baby Update

Only 5 weeks to go!!! And I'm hoping for 3 :) We had a 3d ultrasound today, and Miss E. Buhstasia Pop was not very cooperative (that's the name O gave her...we are going with the first name, but we'll probably choose a different middle name :) We didn't get any good pics of her (her face was pressed into my uterine wall the WHOLE time), but we did find out that she probably weighs about 5 pounds, and it appears that she has lots of hair. It will be very surprising if she really has hair since Elliott, O, and I were all bald babies!

We are slowly getting things ready for EBP. My mom and I spent hours and hours and hours turning our junk room into a livable space for EBP. However, we still have lots to do. My mom has finished fixing the elastic on all of our cloth diapers, and now we just need to strip them. I bought a swing off Craigslist that I am very happy with. I'm planning on ordering the car seat tomorrow, and hopefully we'll get the bed within the next week or 2. Since we are cosleeping, we are putting a double mattress on the floor of EBP's room instead of using a crib (we had a crib with O and only used it once!). I still need to make the mobile for her room and decide on the wall decorations and make them. Elliott has to put together and paint a shelf that I bought from IKEA. We don't have a place to change diapers, so I hope that EC goes really well :) I'll post pics of her room once it's finally finished...hopefully within the next 2 weeks!

Here She Is!

It was so neat to watch her play with her toes and contemplate sucking her thumb! I'm looking forward to having a 3d ultrasound in about 2 months. We had one with O, and it was just amazing. It will be a lot of fun for O, too, since she'll really be able to see the baby.

We're Thinking...

Pink! It's a girl! We are VERY excited. Thanks for all of the well wishes :) Hooray for baby girls!

It's a ...

healthy baby! We had an ultrasound today, and the baby looks great :) It was a huge relief to see a healthy, very active baby! Do you want to know what it is?

Did You Keep a Pregnancy Journal?

I've kept a journal since I was around 11 years old, so I was excited to keep a pregnancy journal when I was pregnant with O. This is the journal I chose after much shopping around on Amazon. I really liked the writing prompts, but I wasn't crazy about the graphics. I loved going back and reading the journal after O was born, and I'm looking forward to giving it to her if and when she has her own baby. My only regret is that I didn't start it earlier in my pregnacy (I was at about 16 weeks when I started it).
When I found out I was pregnant in September, one of the first things on my list was to buy a pregnancy journal. This time I chose this one. I liked this journal, but I was very annoyed that it started at week 1. That's really just ridiculous. I kept detailed notes until I lost the baby at 11 weeks.
For my current pregnancy, I wouldn't even think of buying a pregnancy journal for weeks and weeks. I just felt like if I made the assumption that this is a viable pregnancy then it would be doomed for sure. (I'm terribly superstitious, especially lately) For the past week or so, I've felt guilty that I don't have a pregnancy journal for this baby. There are so many things that I don't have for this baby...stories of excitedly telling everyone we were expecting (that never happened), joy at the positive pregnancy test (only fear and grief, although I absolutely don't mean to imply that this isn't a deeply loved and wanted baby...I'm just scared). So, I thought that since I only used the last journal until 11 weeks, and I'm at almost 15 weeks with my current pregnancy that I would just use the journal from the last pregnancy. I found a pen and opened the book, and it just felt so very wrong. I couldn't bring myself to do it. My last baby never had a name, and we never held him or her, but at least he/she has her own book even though it is very brief and filled with pain (but also great joy). So...I decided to just buy a blank journal. I'll write detailed descriptions of my visits with my midwife, etc, and I'll borrow writing prompts from the other journals and write them at the tops of pages. I think I'm happy with this decision, although I've yet to start the journal (I really should be doing that now instead of blogging).
So, I'm wondering...did you/are you keeping a pregnancy journal? Which one did you choose and why? What is your favorite thing about your pregnancy journal? Thanks in advance for any responses! I know this is a long and rambling post without any fun pictures :)

Update: After writing this post, I decided that I'm going to make a pregnancy journal jar for myself. I've made journal jars for gifts, and I've always wanted one for myself, so this seems like the perfect opportunity :) I think I'll put about 20 writing prompts in the jar, and I'll choose one a week to write about. Hopefully, this will motivate me to keep up with this journal. In addition to the writing prompts, I'll write about my visits with my midwife, add ultrasound pics and belly pics, and just write random thoughts and feelings. I'll especially have to include stories of the things that O says about the baby! I'm getting excited about this :) If anyone has any other ideas for the journal, I'd love to hear them. I'm also looking for writing prompts, so if you have any ideas, please share!

Thanks, Everyone!

Thank you for all of your kind comments and well wishes. I am still feeling very ill, and Zofran is not the miracle drug that I had hoped for. Although, it does help :) I'll try to have some posts up in the next few days. As for now, I'm just trying to make it through one day at a time. O, my mom, and I have just returned from her house, so we're home for a while. Maybe we'll get back into some sort of routine, but I doubt it :) Right now I'm just hoping I can make it through work tomorrow without throwing up on anybody. I have to lead 2 IEP meetings, so hopefully I can at least make it through the meetings :)

*Update
Thanks for all of the comments and ideas for different rememdies. I'm trying lots of them :) I had a really bad morning yesterday, but I made it through my meetings. I'm lucky to work with such wonderful people (and many of them are pregnant!). I've had an exceptionally bad day today. I haven't been able to get out of the bed at all, and I've thrown everything I've eaten (sorry for the tmi). I'm so hungry, but there's no point in even trying to eat :( I have several things to post (that my mom has done with O), but I don't have the energy to download the pics to my computer, upload them to dropshots, and write a post...maybe tomorrow. I'm about to read another book. I've been reading a lot of novels, which is a nice distraction from the nausea. Last night was my last night taking Prometrium, so I'm hoping that I'll wake up tomorrow morning feeling like a new woman! Thanks again for all of the comments :)

Thank You

I am really astounded and thankful for all of the wonderful, thoughtful, and kind comments on my last post. I have to admit that I was hesistant to include so many painful, personal details on a public blog, but after reading the comments and realizing how many of you have had similar experiences, I am glad that I did. I want you to know that I read EVERY comment, and most of these comments have made me cry :) I can't tell you how much it means to me to know that thoughts of my baby exist in many hearts and minds other than my own. Even though my baby existed only for a very short time (and to many people he didn't exist at all), it helps to know that maybe someone other than Elliott and I will remember and think of him (I say him because I had 2 very realistic "boy" dreams while I was pregnant, so I feel that my baby was probably a boy). I guess that sounds silly, but I just don't want his life to be forgotten. So...thank you. Thank you so very, very much!

Our Story

Thank you to everyone for your thoughts, prayers, and kind words. I decided to share our story via this blog for many reasons...to preserve the memories no matter how painful, as a catharsis for me, and to help others who have been or will be in a similar situation.

Today I should be 13 weeks pregnant, and I'm not. I couldn't wait to reach 12 weeks. I'd been so very sick, and I was convinced that once I hit the 12 week mark that the constant nausea would start to fade. I never doubted that my pregnancy was healthy because everyone always says that nausea is a sign of a healthy pregnancy, so I certainly felt like we were covered!
We had our 1st ultrasound on October 10 which was 1 day before I was 11 weeks pregnant. Elliott, O, my mom, and I were all very excited to finally see the 1st pictures of our new baby. There were even several people who were convinced that we would see twins. Within the 1st 15 seconds of the ultrasound, we knew something was wrong. The ultrasound tech, Lisa, was very quiet and looked concerned. She asked if I was sure of my due date, and I was VERY sure. She looked and looked, but did not see a baby. She did an internal ultrasound, and still she did not see a baby. During all of this, I was praying that we would suddenly see a baby who was just hiding somehow, and I really expected that to happen any second. She did another external ultrasound, and finally saw a very small baby that she measured to be at 6 weeks, 4 days. She did not see a heartbeat. Elliott and I knew this could not be since I'd taken a positive pregnancy test 7 weeks before. In my heart, I knew my baby was gone, but I kept coming up with crazy scenarios in my head as to why our baby would be measuring so small. A dr came and told us that either we had an unsuccessful pregnancy or our dates were off. They drew blood and told me to come back Monday, so they could draw more blood. They needed to compare the Hcg levels to see if they were dropping.

The rest of the day is really just a blur. We were on our way to stay with our brother-in-law for the weekend because O and my niece were flower girls in my cousin's wedding. Luckily, my mom and my sister were able to take the girls to the rehearsal, dinner, and to the church for pictures the next day, so that Elliott and I were able to just show up for the wedding and reception. It was really hard to go to the wedding, but it wasn't something we could miss. O and M were so proud to be flower girls, and they did a beautiful job. The bride was beautiful, I've never seen a groom glow the way my cousin was glowing :) O had the greatest time dancing the night away at the reception. She definitely didn't inherit her mama's shyness!

So...on Monday I went back to the dr for another blood test. O was proud to go with me and hold my hand so that I wouldn't be scared. She was very solemn and serious and held my hand very tightly while the nurse drew blood. I requested a prescription for fenergen for my constant nausea. I could handle it as long as I knew I was going to have a baby to hold in May, but once the promise of a baby was gone, the constant sickness was more than I could take. The fenergen took the edge off the nausea, but mostly it just made me tired, so I slept around the clock. This was probably a good thing. From Saturday night when we got home from the wedding until yesterday, I don't think I left my bedroom for anything other than a doctor's appointment or ultrasound.

We went back to the doctor on Wednesday to discuss the results of the blood tests. My levels had dropped, but they were still very high (I already knew this because I was slightly less nauseous, but still nauseous enough that I knew my levels were still high). The dr did another ultrasound, and the result was the same. This was devastating all over again because I'd held on to the hope that since I was still sick that maybe the ultrasound would somehow show a healthy baby. We still weren't ready to give up hope...

I went back to the dr for another blood test on Friday and then for another ultrasound on Monday. At this ultrasound, they couldn't even find the baby measuring 6 weeks, 4 days. There was just nothing. I wasn't surprised, but I was devastated. We knew it was over, and I needed it to be over. The waiting and hoping and the continuing pregnancy symptoms while knowing that there really was no hope were killing me. I wasn't able to be a good mama for O, and I was so glad that my mom stepped in and became "mama" for these 12 days. Elliott and I both decided that the best thing for both of us was for me to go ahead and have a d & c. I was so scared and sad, but I felt like we had to make this decision in order to begin to heal.

On Tuesday morning at about 6:20 Elliott, my sister, and I left for the hospital. My mom stayed at my house with O and my niece. The nurses, doctor, and hospital staff were all incredibly kind. I was completely knocked out for the procedure, and I am so thankful for that. I remember crying as they wheeled me back to the OR, and I was crying when I woke up. I was surprised and relieved that it was over. After resting at the hospital for a while, we went home. I was so relieved to be nausea free that I actually felt good for a little while. O makes me so happy that it is easy to forget this constant ache and emptiness in my heart for moments at a time. I don't want to be sad forever, but it is hard to imagine that this sadness won't be with me forever. I had no idea how hard this would and that I would actually feel a physical ache and emptiness in my heart. The word miscarriage is a word that I've come to hate. It seems to minimize this experience. This doesn't feel like a "miscarriage" to me. This is the death of our deeply loved and wanted baby who will be forever missed.

Thank you to all of our family and friends (IRL and online) who have supported us through this experience. A special thank you to my mom for stepping in and taking over and to my sister for coming to our house multiple times to distract us and entertain O and for going with us to the hospital to be with Elliott. He thought he'd be ok alone, but he is very grateful that you were there for him to talk to :) (and I know he talked your ear off!) Thank you to my MIL for getting a bag full of books for me from the library. That helped more than you can ever know. Thank you to my IRL friends and family for understanding that while I can't talk about this experience at all, it really helps to write about it and to have people who listen, care, and understand. Also, thank you to the mamas in the online mommy groups in which I am a member for sharing your stories and making me feel less alone.

Pregnancy Brain

My 1st sign that I was pregnant with #2 happened about 2 months ago when I was at work talking to another psychologist. I was trying to ask her about 2 students that I'd known very well for years and years and I suddenly had NO IDEA what their names were. It was almost scary how blank my mind was, and I realized that it was not normal, and I must be pregnant. Sure enough :) My most recent experience with pregnancy brain was a little more amusing...

We've been at O's Guh-guh and Grandpa's house for the past few days, and yesterday I asked my mom if I could use her deodorant because I'd forgotten mine. She said sure, and I put it on. It was almost O's naptime, so I laid down with her to read books on the futon, and my mom sat nearby in a rocking chair. I noticed that my underarms started feeling VERY cool and tingly. I thought it was strange, but maybe my body was reacting differently to the deodorant since I'm pregnant and I've gotten used to using natural deodorant. However, after 5 more minutes of progessively cooler and tinglyer (is that even a word?) underarms, I said to my mom "this deodorant is very strange. It almost feels like I put Vicks Vapor Rub on under my arms." My mom looked up with a shocked and panicked expression, and said "maybe you did!" We ran back to her bedroom and quickly discovered that I had, in fact, put roll-on Menthol on under my arms. (in my defense, it looks A LOT like my mom's roll on deodorant!). I scrubbed it off, but I still felt cool and tingly for at least 2 hours :) We went back to the front room, and O was sitting up on the futon looking tired and confused while asking "what is it? what is it?" So... that's my craziest pregnancy brain story so far (I'm sure there will be LOTS more), care to share one of yours?

You May Have Noticed...

that things on this blog have slowed down a bit lately. However, I do have a really good reason, I promise! O is going to be a big sister!!! She is SUPER excited, and she has already decided that I am having 2 babies, and their names are Mimi and Buddy. She is planning on nursing the babies (although I REALLY think it's just 1!). She loves to hug, kiss, and pat my belly. She has a great stethoscope, and she loves to listen to my tummy. She tells me that she hears the baby laughing and crying, and she says that HER belly says "All aboard the choo-choo train." Silly girl :) I've been extremely exhausted for about the past 5 weeks and very sick for the past 3. Hence, the slow down! O has done a great job taking care of me. She loves to do little things to "make mama feel bettah."