Chasing Cheerios

Friday, October 24, 2008

Our Story

Thank you to everyone for your thoughts, prayers, and kind words. I decided to share our story via this blog for many reasons...to preserve the memories no matter how painful, as a catharsis for me, and to help others who have been or will be in a similar situation.

Today I should be 13 weeks pregnant, and I'm not. I couldn't wait to reach 12 weeks. I'd been so very sick, and I was convinced that once I hit the 12 week mark that the constant nausea would start to fade. I never doubted that my pregnancy was healthy because everyone always says that nausea is a sign of a healthy pregnancy, so I certainly felt like we were covered!
We had our 1st ultrasound on October 10 which was 1 day before I was 11 weeks pregnant. Elliott, O, my mom, and I were all very excited to finally see the 1st pictures of our new baby. There were even several people who were convinced that we would see twins. Within the 1st 15 seconds of the ultrasound, we knew something was wrong. The ultrasound tech, Lisa, was very quiet and looked concerned. She asked if I was sure of my due date, and I was VERY sure. She looked and looked, but did not see a baby. She did an internal ultrasound, and still she did not see a baby. During all of this, I was praying that we would suddenly see a baby who was just hiding somehow, and I really expected that to happen any second. She did another external ultrasound, and finally saw a very small baby that she measured to be at 6 weeks, 4 days. She did not see a heartbeat. Elliott and I knew this could not be since I'd taken a positive pregnancy test 7 weeks before. In my heart, I knew my baby was gone, but I kept coming up with crazy scenarios in my head as to why our baby would be measuring so small. A dr came and told us that either we had an unsuccessful pregnancy or our dates were off. They drew blood and told me to come back Monday, so they could draw more blood. They needed to compare the Hcg levels to see if they were dropping.

The rest of the day is really just a blur. We were on our way to stay with our brother-in-law for the weekend because O and my niece were flower girls in my cousin's wedding. Luckily, my mom and my sister were able to take the girls to the rehearsal, dinner, and to the church for pictures the next day, so that Elliott and I were able to just show up for the wedding and reception. It was really hard to go to the wedding, but it wasn't something we could miss. O and M were so proud to be flower girls, and they did a beautiful job. The bride was beautiful, I've never seen a groom glow the way my cousin was glowing :) O had the greatest time dancing the night away at the reception. She definitely didn't inherit her mama's shyness!

So...on Monday I went back to the dr for another blood test. O was proud to go with me and hold my hand so that I wouldn't be scared. She was very solemn and serious and held my hand very tightly while the nurse drew blood. I requested a prescription for fenergen for my constant nausea. I could handle it as long as I knew I was going to have a baby to hold in May, but once the promise of a baby was gone, the constant sickness was more than I could take. The fenergen took the edge off the nausea, but mostly it just made me tired, so I slept around the clock. This was probably a good thing. From Saturday night when we got home from the wedding until yesterday, I don't think I left my bedroom for anything other than a doctor's appointment or ultrasound.

We went back to the doctor on Wednesday to discuss the results of the blood tests. My levels had dropped, but they were still very high (I already knew this because I was slightly less nauseous, but still nauseous enough that I knew my levels were still high). The dr did another ultrasound, and the result was the same. This was devastating all over again because I'd held on to the hope that since I was still sick that maybe the ultrasound would somehow show a healthy baby. We still weren't ready to give up hope...

I went back to the dr for another blood test on Friday and then for another ultrasound on Monday. At this ultrasound, they couldn't even find the baby measuring 6 weeks, 4 days. There was just nothing. I wasn't surprised, but I was devastated. We knew it was over, and I needed it to be over. The waiting and hoping and the continuing pregnancy symptoms while knowing that there really was no hope were killing me. I wasn't able to be a good mama for O, and I was so glad that my mom stepped in and became "mama" for these 12 days. Elliott and I both decided that the best thing for both of us was for me to go ahead and have a d & c. I was so scared and sad, but I felt like we had to make this decision in order to begin to heal.

On Tuesday morning at about 6:20 Elliott, my sister, and I left for the hospital. My mom stayed at my house with O and my niece. The nurses, doctor, and hospital staff were all incredibly kind. I was completely knocked out for the procedure, and I am so thankful for that. I remember crying as they wheeled me back to the OR, and I was crying when I woke up. I was surprised and relieved that it was over. After resting at the hospital for a while, we went home. I was so relieved to be nausea free that I actually felt good for a little while. O makes me so happy that it is easy to forget this constant ache and emptiness in my heart for moments at a time. I don't want to be sad forever, but it is hard to imagine that this sadness won't be with me forever. I had no idea how hard this would and that I would actually feel a physical ache and emptiness in my heart. The word miscarriage is a word that I've come to hate. It seems to minimize this experience. This doesn't feel like a "miscarriage" to me. This is the death of our deeply loved and wanted baby who will be forever missed.

Thank you to all of our family and friends (IRL and online) who have supported us through this experience. A special thank you to my mom for stepping in and taking over and to my sister for coming to our house multiple times to distract us and entertain O and for going with us to the hospital to be with Elliott. He thought he'd be ok alone, but he is very grateful that you were there for him to talk to :) (and I know he talked your ear off!) Thank you to my MIL for getting a bag full of books for me from the library. That helped more than you can ever know. Thank you to my IRL friends and family for understanding that while I can't talk about this experience at all, it really helps to write about it and to have people who listen, care, and understand. Also, thank you to the mamas in the online mommy groups in which I am a member for sharing your stories and making me feel less alone.

107 comments:

  1. Melissa I am so deeply sorry for your family. I am crying after reading your post because it rings so true to my own experience. I had a D&C in January and another miscarriage in April and they were devastating. Some days are better than others, but having Tatum helped me to cope. You're in my prayers.

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  2. My heart and my prayers go you to you and your family. I was crying reading this post. I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious baby and I pray that the pain eases daily. Giving O lots of hugs and cuddles will help I bet... the image of her holding your hand while getting blood drawn was so amazing. What a gift she is.

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  3. i am so so sorry.... it is amazing how something so tiny can leave such a big impression on your heart. Hang in there, good things will come.

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  4. OOh I am soo sorry! I have been reading your blog on and off.. and have never commented.. but I just needed to send my apologies. I just can't imagine how hard it is to go through something that that. Best of luck.

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  5. Sorry to hear of your loss. Did you have a partial molar pregnancy? I had a similar experience with the overwhelming nausea that ended in an emergency D&C.

    I'm glad that you are back. Take good care of yourself.

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  6. I am so sorry...you and your family are in my prayers.

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  7. I'm so sorry to hear this. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

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  8. So very sorry for the loss of your precious little one.

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  9. i'm soo sorry you had to go through this! just know you were in my thoughts and prayers the whole time and now!

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  10. I am incredibly sorry that you have had to endure this pain. I will continue to keep you in my thoughts.

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  11. I'm so sorry for you and your family. I have been reading your blog for a while and admire all you do for O. I too lost a baby and while I never forget the due date or how old that baby would be, the grief fades and O will help you more than you or she can know right now. Take time for yourself and your husband. I hold you in my heart.

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  12. Having been there twice before finally being blessed with my 2 little miracles, I feel your pain. I am praying for God's grace and healing for you.

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  13. I'm ache with you. I'll keep you in prayer.

    - Vanessa

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  14. Innocent Observer- I don't know yet if I had a partial molar pregnancy. The dr wouldn't confirm this until the pathology report comes back. I will be VERY surprised if it was NOT a partial molar pregnancy. All of the symptoms fit. While I really hope this isn't the answer I will hear on Wednesday, it is what I am expecting.

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  15. Lots of prayers for you and your family. I had a similar experience with my first pregnancy after trying for a year - it was devastating. You are not alone in your grief and you will always think of that baby. Take the time you need to heal, and enjoy your little girl.

    We don't know you but we really enjoy your blog!

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  16. I'm so sorry. I have walked in those shoes, too. Know that the pain you are feeling is completely normal, and although it doesn't seem like it now... it will get better eventually. My prayers for you and your family.

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  17. Thank you for sharing your story. My heart aches for you and your family. You will be in our prayers.

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  18. I am so sorry. I will be praying for you adn your family.

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  19. I am so sorry. I lost our first baby to miscarriage and you're right it is a horrible word that can't begin to describe the way you're feeling. A really good book that helped me process some of my emotions was Empty Arms by Pam Vredevelt. I just thought I would mention it in case you're looking for something that might help you.
    Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

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  20. I am so sorry for you and your family and I feel that you are incredibly brave writing about your tragedy in the public domain.
    Take care, xxx

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  21. Melissa, I am so sorry. I can't imagine the pain you must be going through right now. Until I held my baby girl for the first, time I had now idea how such a tiny soul could change an entire life - and how at the same time, the loss of another tiny soul carries with it the same weight.
    Your loss is felt by so many and our prayers are with you - covering your heart and offering our shoulders to help you carry your load.
    You are in my thoughts and prayers.
    Becky

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  22. oh I am so sorry for your loss as well. I can only imagine how much it must hurt. It's so good you have O and a wonderful support system to help you get through.

    Prayers and Blessings,
    Sarah

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  23. I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are prayers are with you and your family.

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  24. (hug) You have been in my thoughts and prayers,and still are. My heart aches for you, I can't imagine how hard it is to go through this. I'm glad you have such caring family there to support you, and sweet O to hold your hand.

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  25. My heart goes out to you. My experience was similar to yours almost to the very detail. I went through many stages of mourning, but one thought that gave me a little comfort was the fact that the baby was very much loved during his short, but still so precious life, which is certainly true with your baby as well. I will be praying for you.

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  26. I love reading your blog and although I usually don't comment I just had to this time. I am so sorry for your loss.

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  27. I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the pain and heartache you must be feeling. Thank you for sharing this personal part of your life with us.

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  28. Oh I am so sorry and my whole heart goes out to you. I will continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
    (((Hugs)))

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  29. I'm so sorry. I've miscarried twice and it was a very depressing and hard time for myself. I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I know there is nothing at this time. I do know that connecting with other women online who miscarried helped me a great deal. I'll keep you in my prayers.

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  30. Melissa,

    I just went through a loss in June of my 13 week old baby. I can empathize with your pain. Words fail at a time like this. Just know that it is okay to feel WHATEVER you are feeling. You are justified in feeling sad, angry, lonely, jealous... give yourself time. Also, I found www.silentgrief.com very comforting.

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  31. It doesn't matter how far along you are, the loss of your baby is the loss of your baby and that's devastating. Don't be afraid to really grieve!
    Take good care of yourself and let O shine her little light on you. We'll be praying for your family.

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  32. I am SO sorry for your loss. I have had a miscarriage and a stillborn, and no matter what stage of pregnancy, it is very hard. I know that seeing mom's with babies is probably heart wrenching right now. You will get through this and come out the other side with a sweet baby to hold. I think when God gives us trials in life, it's so we can be compassionate of others going through the same situation. I will pray for you as well as many others. You can email me if you need to talk.. I can truly say that I understand. Littlethomasfamily@msn.com

    -Stacie

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  33. I am very sorry for your loss. I will continue to keep you in my prayers.

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  34. Be strong, and I know you are. Always remember you still have O and the others who love you a lot.

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  35. I lost our second baby as well, and I found it very helpful to go ahead and name the baby. I lost our baby too early to determine the sex, but I knew in my heart she was a girl. I still think about her often. Here is the blog I wrote about my baby:
    http://lacyrabideau.blogspot.com/search/label/miscarriage

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  36. Melissa - I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this right now. Having been through this experience twice, I can still clearly remember the deep pain and confusion that accompanied it. Please know that I'm holding you up to the Heavenly Father in prayer. Praying for healing and peace for you and your husband during this very difficult time.

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  37. so very sorry.

    The Joy of the LORD is your strength!

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  38. Melissa, I'm so sorry. I have been thinking of you and praying for you often since your last post. I was afraid of the reason you weren't posting, but hopeful as well. I'm so sorry for your loss. You're in my prayers.

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  39. I am so, so sorry to hear your news. I'm glad that you have a place to write and get the emotions out. I can't even imagine what you are feeling right now. Try to take care of yourself.

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  40. You and your family are in our hearts and our prayers. I pray that peace and healing will soon take over and replace the pain and grief. I am so sorry for your loss.

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  41. I'm so sorry. I'll be praying for you and your family.

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  42. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious baby. I pray that God will hold you close during this difficult time and pour out his grace upon you and your family.

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  43. I am usually just a lurker, coming out to say how sorry I am for your loss. I pray for healing and peace in your heart, and also for your family.

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  44. Melissa I'm so sorry. This is the first time I've read your blog, but a friend sent me the link because she knew I would understand. I've done the exact same thing twice.
    I don't know your situation, but I would pray that you are pregnant again before your due date. It's much easier to deal with when you carry a baby to term and know that you could not physically have both the beautiful baby in your arms and also the one you lost. You'll always miss that one, but you can't imagine life without the new one either. :)
    So sorry.

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  45. My prayers have been with you since your last post and I feared this what what you were going through. My heart aches for you. I will continue to pray for you as you heal inside and out.

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  46. I have been praying for you and your family since your last post, fearing this is what you were going through. I am so sorry and I too went through something similar and it is horrible. It brought back memories reading your story and tears to my eyes. I am praying God heals you and your family.

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  47. Melissa, I only know you from your blog. I'm sorry too that you went thru that. Mine was similiar but I was almost 5 months in January with a boy when I needed to have a D&E. Never thought at 40 I would be wheeled in for something like that.

    Time helps but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about what should have been and I am again deeply saddened by the whole experience. Not sure why this stuff has to happen. I try to make sense but never can come up with anything.

    I just turned 41 last month and with that we've made the decision to stay at just one child. My Mackenzie will be 2 in December and she really helps me get through all this.

    All the best to you and your family and just remember, it's ok to be feeling everything you're feeling.

    Dawn from Oregon

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  48. Dear Melissa!
    I am so sorry for your lost! I've been thinking and praying for you since your last post, and hoping that everything would be alright. I know you and your family go through difficult times right now. I guess that having such a bright star as O in your sky helps to feel a little bit stronger. Also, I wanted to thank you for sharing your story with us, and thinking always of others - even when you are in pain. After reading the comments here, I know you've touched hearts of many. You are an amazing woman! Please except my sincere hug of condolence. Warmly, Miri

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  49. I am so sorry for you and your family. Sending gentle thoughts your way...

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  50. I am so sorry that you have been through this. Almost 5 years ago I went through almost an identical time in our lives. It is so painful. Happiness and joy does return, but you will always be a mama to this baby. This baby is a real part of your family story. I am praying for you and your heart as you go through the hardest part of your journey and as you find peace again.
    Thank you for your blog! I get so many good ideas from you! From, one of your Texas readers.

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  51. Melissa, I cried from your post because it brought back memories of my similar story. However, it was to be my 1st baby (a girl) and I was 5 mos pg. It was devastating and, although I have gone on to have another baby, I still sometimes cry remembering the daughter I lost as well. Know that in time the pain will lessen and not be as often, but you will never forget this baby. You will all be in my thoughts and prayers for healing of the mind, body and heart. Be kind and patient with yourself.

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  52. Melissa, I am so sorry to hear your news. I also lost a baby at around the same time. I have since had 3 healthy , happy children. I don't know if it helps, but from a distance of ten years, although I feel incredibly sad that I don't have a 10 year old child now, that life still has a place in my heart and I have never forgotten that he/she should be here I also feel joy that the few weeks that the baby did exist must have been happy for him/her and I truly beleive that he/she felt my love as an all encompassing thing. I'll never forget him/her and s/he has made me value my children so much, and that is his/her legacy.

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  53. I was afraid there was a reason like this that you were not posting. I have never had an experience like this so I am not going to patronise you and tell you that I know how you must be feeling, because I don't. I hope that one day soon, the pain you are feeling in your heart fades. My love, thoughts and best wishes are with you and your family. I hope that little O is as well as can be expected.

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  54. Dear Melissa,
    I am so very sorry. As I sit hear crying, revisiting my own heartache having been through this myself, I wish we lived closer so that I could come over and clean your kitchen! As silly as that may sound, that is what my best friend did for me when I lost my baby at 16 weeks. Since then every time we have felt in need (although not as desperately as I did then) she or I will say, "Is this a 'clean your kitchen' kind of problem?" It always makes me feel better and reminds me how something so every day and so mundane, such as cleaning one's kitchen, could be a generous gift when you don't know if you'll ever eat again, let alone cook a meal. It was so nurturing of her and I felt loved. It's what I want to do for you and your family, if I only could.
    I've felt the emptiness your going through, I've wanted my reality to be fiction and I've cried rivers of tears over someone who was so tiny he could fit in just one of my hands...
    This pain will always be with you Melissa, I'm not going to say it won't. But the pain you feel right now will lessen some and happy moments will fill up this hole in your heart. And O WILL be a big sister one day.
    Please know that I'm with you in spirit, if not in proximity. Obviously, so many of us are. You are not alone and we wish you peace and comfort during this exhausting and emotional time.
    In PEACE and with admiration of your bravery for sharing your story,
    Jennifer

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  55. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. I really appreciate you sharing your story. Thank you and God bless you and your family.
    MG

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  56. thank you for your transparency. it is an honor to hear your story. my heart is grieving for you and all who loved your little one.

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  57. I'm very sorry for you loss.

    I would like to say more but no words seem right.

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  58. I am so sorry to hear of your loss and heartache. I cannot say that I understand, but I do know about grief. And I can tell you (as others have mentioned) that everyone deals with it differently. And it is ok to feel however you do. Rely on your family and close friends as much as you can; let them help you however you need it most. I will be praying for you. Thank you for sharing your story. I know it will help many.

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  59. I am so sorry about the loss of your precious baby. You and your family are in my prayers.

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  60. I'm so very sorry for your loss. I know there's nothing anyone can say that makes it better. I went through almost the same thing. I was 1 day away from my second trimester, when I started bleeding and an u/s showed a 6w old fetus with no heartbeat :( I know how devastating it is. Your family will be in my thoughts <3

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  61. I just went through exactly the same thing - only I was supposed to be 8 weeks pregnant and the baby showed 6 weeks, 1 day on the sonogram with no heartbeat. Went in the next day to check hormone level - was at 7700. Two days later, hormone level was at 5700. I was devastated. Never thought in a million years I would miscarry, since I already had a healthy baby three years prior. I started to miscarry the very day my doctor told me my hormone level went down. It got progressively worse and I wound up going to the hospital and having a D & C. It's hard - very hard. The only thing that helps me get through each day is knowing that God has other plans for me and had other plans for that baby. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  62. I'm really sorry for your loss.

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  63. melissa - thank you for sharing your story...a story that so many of us have lived, me included in 11/06. and you are right - "miscarriage" or worse - the medical terminology "spontaneous abortion" - are SO far removed from what it really is - the death of your baby. the loss of your very much wanted, very much loved, precious little child. i found a local moms support group to be very helpful after my loss, and during my subsequent pregnancy, this message board saved my sanity - http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/listsf.asp?webtag=iv-ppaftermisc&nav=start. a couple books that really helped in my grieving were "Grieving the child I never knew," and "I'll hold you in heaven remembrance book." i blogged about my miscarriage - feel free to read about it in the archives on my blog @ http://jenanddarrellclark.blogspot.com. praying for peace and comforting for you and your family.

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  64. My heart goes out to you. I remember the night my husband rocked me as I was losing my baby. The empty feeling that was left was finally replaced with peace after my dad talked to me and explained that some spirits are so righteous that they are needed elsewhere as angels.
    *hugs* I hope you can eventually feel peace.

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  65. I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. I only just found you this past week, and I am thankful that I am able to pray for you.
    ~Tiffany

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  66. I'm so very sorry. I can see from all of the comments ahead mine that you've got a lot of fans out here and you've touched us all by sharing your story.

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  67. Melissa, I cried and prayed for you today while on my long drive to get errands done. I prayed for you to feel the comfort of God close to you, for Elliott to have wisdom to know how to help you and heal you and for how to himself grieve. For O, to feel protected and surrounded and reassured by the love of all her precious family around her even if she may not fully grasp what is happening. For your family and Elliott's to know how to help best, and to themselves heal. And for your own eyes and ears and heart to receive helpful comforting words from others. I am so sad for your precious baby but I am glad he/she is so deeply loved.

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  68. I'm so sorry for your loss Melissa.
    (((HUG)))

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  69. I'm so sorry. No words can assuage this pain. You are right, the word 'miscarriage' feels so minimizing, so removed from reality. It does not cover the scope of feelings nor directly convey what happened - that your baby died. I've always hated that word 'miscarriage'.

    You have many sisters on this journey. I'm one too. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Like Montessori Mama, I wish I could just come clean your house or stock your cupboards with quick, easy meals. I hope those IRL are there to do those things for you.

    You are in my thoughts.

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  70. Melissa, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. You and your family have been in my thoughts.

    Kelly

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  71. I am so very sorry for your loss, praying for your family.

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  72. I just known you today...I'm so sorry, i will pray for you and for your family and I hope you will be fine soon. God bless you.

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  73. I found your blog through another one.

    I am so sorry for your loss. I went through a very similar situation a few years ago. My 12 week ultrasound showed a baby only measuring 9 weeks and no heartbeat. I also had a D&C.

    I grieved the loss of a child...not everyone understood this. I got to be so sick of hearing "You can try again" . I had lost a child.

    My little hirl helped me get through it. It sounds like you have a wonderfully supportive family.

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  74. I am so deeply sorry My prayers for you and your family.

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  75. sending lots of love your way Melissa...

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  76. Melissa I am so terribly sorry! Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  77. We've never met. I just read the blog, but I am aching for you. Stay strong and know that we are all thinking and praying for you and your family.

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  78. Melissa, I am so sorry. Thankfully O will be a comfort and keep you busy in the days to come. You are such a wonderfully creative person -- I read your blog daily and am glad you are back.

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  79. i am so sorry to read about your loss. i too lost this year, twice. the first one in april at almost 9 weeks. i would have been due the end of next month. the second one at almost 12 weeks just a month ago. i understand your loss and how devastating it can be. my thoughts and good wishes are with you.

    one of my dearest friends sent your blog link to me and i'm so very glad she did. please take care..

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  80. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, you and your family are in my prayers....

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  81. Thank you for being so open and honest and willing to share your story!! I'm praying that you are making it thru each day and that God is surrounding you with the comfort that you need.

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  82. I am so sorry. Hold O tight, she will be more help than she knows.

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  83. I also will be praying for your family.

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  84. Hi Melissa, thank you for being so brave and honest with this post... I'm sure you have inspired a lot of women to feel like they can *share* even their hardest moments. I am so awfully sorry for your loss. I hope that the sun shines on you again soon... Your family is in my thoughts.

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  85. It's amazing when you start sharing stories how many people have gone through similar situations, myself included. I'm so sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself and heal at your own pace. All of our thoughts are with you and your family.

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  86. i am so very sorry for your tremendously painful loss. may you and your family find peace and comfort with each other. take good care of yourself.

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  87. I am so sorry to read about your loss of your baby. I lost two babies, one at six weeks and one at 11 weeks. Even having two children after that, I still miss my babies. It is hard. You will feel better eventually. Stay away from those who don't 'get it' for a while. They can be so unknowingly thoughtless. With my second baby lost, my arms were so empty that I held a doll a few times because my arms felt so empty. You have a wonderful arm filler to help you.

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  88. I'm so sorry, I've been wanting to check your blog for other reasons, and didn't know what I'd find. I lost two babies too and had d&c's. I know it's a terrible loss.

    Praying that you will find peace.

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  89. I post rarely on your blog, but read whenever I can, and couldn't not post. This *is* what a miscarriage feels like, everything you are feeling. It's perfectly normal and I only wish we could make the pain go away for you. I wish you well in your continued journey toward healing. I am so, so very sorry.

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  90. It has been 16 years since I had a miscarriage. I still miss that child and wish he were here with us. He waits in heaven with my mother. Isaac is his name.

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  91. I am so very sorry for your loss Melissa. Your family will continue to be in my prayers.

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  92. I have been enjoying your posts for only a few short weeks. But I grieve with your loss. I've had 5 miscarriages - and each one was very hard emotionally. I also have 3 wonderful kids. My last miscarriage was this last mother's day at 13 weeks - so the pain is still there, especially since my due date is just weeks away now. I have found great joy though in finding a child who is only a few weeks older/younger than the child I would have had and watching him/her grow up instead. I will be praying for you. {{{{Hugs}}}}

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  93. I had read your post the day you wrote it and I myself was around 11 weeks. I thought to myself how sad would it be if that happened to me..(but I knew it wouldnt) well sadly my heart is full and empty right now. Today I went to the DR for my first visit..after the doplar and an ultra sound I was informed that my baby had no heart beat, my heart hurts like I never would have thought. the way in that split second of hearing the news my plans for my whole immediate and long term future are now changed and in a way demolished. I feel your pain and I feel your sadness. I feel so lost today not knowing what will come next for our little family Im so glad I do have one baby to hold on to. I am now left with this heartache and time to wait until my body can miscarry on its own or if I have to have a D&C in the next few days..

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  94. kreg and anna- I am so, so sorry. I had also just heard about a family member of Elliott's losing her baby about a week before I lost mine. I, too, was confident that it wouldn't happen to me. I still feel shocked. It just doesn't seem like it could be real. Everyone says that the pain will fade, but it takes time. It's been 21 days since we had our ultrasound, and the pain is still intense and unimaginable. I really can't imagine not feeling sad and empty and not crying multiple times a day with no warning. However, I did find a little bit of peace by deciding on a way to memorialize our baby. We plan to plant a pear tree in our yard on our baby's due date along with a plaque. Knowing that it will always be there and that O and any future children will know of this child helps me. Please email me if you need to *talk* (chasingcheerios@gmail.com). While I am still unable to really talk about this, I have found that writing about it helps tremendously. (((HUGS)))

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  95. I'm so sorry to hear this. I understand completely. I lost a little one that I carried for 26 weeks. God Bless you all!

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  96. I am so sorry for you loss. It is a major loss that many people do not understand. I miscarried my first pregnancy at eight weeks and it is an awful ordeal. I know my midwife told me to mourn the death of my baby and I did. We named our baby and I think by taking the time to mourn and understand my feelings, I was able move forward when I got pregnant again. At least you know you can have children. Little O is a beautiful reassurance you are fully capable of carrying a baby to term. Hold on to that hope.
    Our prayers are with you and your family.
    Blessings and Take Care,
    Keilah

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  97. I wish words could take the pain away - and that there were more humane words than 'I'm sorry'. May the Lord keep you in the palm of his hand.

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  98. Melissa, I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby. I lost my first daughter at 19 weeks, and I still miss her. Please know that my thoughts are with your family.

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  99. My heart aches reading your story, but mainly because you had a D&C. If this ever happens to you again, PLEASE read the testimonies and stories at Misdiagnosed Miscarriages before ending your pregnancy and NEVER trust your doctor.

    I am so sorry for your loss and glad that Lil' Kicker will be here soon. That is a blessing to look forward to.*Ü*

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  100. Forgot the link:

    http://www.misdiagnosedmiscarriage.com/mycommunity/viewtopic.php?p=88633

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  101. Thank you for your comment, but I think it does not apply to my situation. I was not rushed into a d & c. I had many, many ultrasounds in the weeks that I waited between my first ultrasound and my d and c. They never saw a fetal pole or heartbeat, my levels were dropping steadily, and I am confident that my baby was no longer living. Also, I trust my dr and midwife completely.

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  102. "Never trust your doctor?" Wow. What an ignorant statement. A better way to phrase it might be "Thoroughly question your doctor."

    While I understand that there misdiagnoses happen, to insinuate that doctors, as a whole, don't know/understand how to deal with miscarriage and loss is a gross oversight.

    Melissa, so sorry for hijacking your blog. That one statement riled me up.

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